colorful dreams

so two nights ago i decided it was time to come out to my mom. in my head i knew that she would still love me and still support me but that didn’t change the anxiety i had. i never want to disappoint my mom and i was so scared that i would by telling her. it was a long process but what a great feeling it is to be comfortable with who you are. i called her since i’m away at college. i think it would have been even harder in person. we talked for a while and we were catching up and through the whole conversation i thought i was gonna lose the courage to tell her. finally i said, i have one more thing to tell you. i’m gay. her first words were, oh hunny i figured (that made me laugh later). and she went on and on about how she thought i was but it didnt make her upset. it only made her upset to think that i was going to have a more difficult life since society didn’t accept my lifestyle. and i told her i knew that but i can’t choose. and she agreed with me that it’s not a choice. and she just kept talking (my mom could have a conversation with a brick wall) and i’m sobbing. not because i was sad but just because i was so incredibly relieved. years and years of anxiety led to this one moment. she texted me after we got off the phone and here are her texts 

“hey just know my feeling about it is, you are what you are. people are either gay or not gay. neither one is wrong it just is how it is. you would never ever disappoint me in anything. hey look who i have to compare to - Michael and if he doesn’t disappoint me no one will” Michael is my brother who is an absolute mess and that made me laugh out loud.

i told her it meant a lot to me and her response was “you are a very special person and you should always be proud of who you are. never forget that”

i’m tearing up writing this. because guys, is my mom just perfect or what? seriously, she needs to give parenting lessons. because i can’t even think of a better way to respond to your child after they tell you that you are gay. she didn’t bring it back to herself or talk about what it meant for her. she focused on telling me that i could never disappoint her and that i should be proud of who i am.

ADVICE TIME!

okay so i know that a lot of people struggle with the process of coming out. living through it, i can honestly say its been the scariest thing of my life. and i have it better than a lot of people going through the same process. my mom didn’t kick me out or tell me that who i am is wrong. unfortunately i know that this happens way too often. but the process of coming out is your own. its not your moms or your dads or your siblings. its about you. so know this, there is nothing wrong with who YOU are. 

the best advice i can give about coming out is to wait until you are ready. don’t force it for any reason. i know that when i first told my therapist and best friend that i was gay, they immediately asked when i was going to tell my parents. i wrote a letter and was going to tell them but i just wasn’t ready. it didn’t even seem possible at that point because i hadn’t yet accepted it for myself. almost a year later, i was ready to do that. there is no timetable for when you will be ready. 

also, just like everything else in life, practice. practice practice practice. whether it be in a mirror to yourself or telling your friends, you need to practice actually saying the words. i made my therapist guess and had to show my best friend a note on my phone. obviously, i struggled with this. then when i came to college, i told my roomate. i told her that the person i was skyping with every single day was my girlfriend. i realized that i had never said the words, i’m gay and i needed to do that. to the next person, i finally said those dreaded words. after that, i felt invincible. i became more and more comfortable with the words as i became more and more comfortable with myself. i told more people at school and have yet to experience a negative reaction. now it doesn’t feel like such a big deal. most people in my dorm know either from people telling them or the giant rainbow flag hanging in our room. (when i say giant, i’m talking 3 feet by 5 feet. its amazing)

no one can tell you how the process is supposed to go because for each person its different. now i know this is frustrating because you just want answers and a step by step process. but remember, this is your process, not anyone else’s. 

if you have gotten this far, thank you for reading. this has been the best time of my life because i finally can be me. its a freeing experience.